| Today 5-13-07 |
[May. 13th, 2007|12:31 pm] |
I will be blamed,
form my actions..
my despearation will be turned around on me...
I write here in secrecy,
to watch thia unfold in harmony |
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| 畂桳栠摩琠敨映捡獴 |
[Dec. 3rd, 2006|08:22 pm] |
畂桳栠摩琠敨映捡獴
???????????????????????????????????????????????? |
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| and I return... |
[Oct. 26th, 2006|10:30 am] |
Well, In summary. The trip was great!
First order of business, the plane: I have not always been the most excitable person when it comes to the seemingly unnatural mode of transportation aptly named flight. But i was able to survive. Turbulance was in the red and it made it difficult to forget the vast distance between myslef and some lonely animal scurring through a forest. We flew coach and on both legs of the journay had the profound luxury of sitting in the middle seat. Cramped was not even a possible word to describe the feeling. But i read and kept myself entertained (something I have always been good at.. heh) When we arrived at the destination i was entralled by the large shimmering building that Dallas had been endorned with. I was able to visit the tragic and histroically sacred site of J.F.K's assasination. I even took pictures. I had the most wonderful deli sandwich at the corner bakery and deli. It was a savory turkey, alvacado, and provalone sangwich. I was impressed.
The convention: This was quiet an intriuging experience. It is hard to believe that 20,000+ people are interested in the water quality field. They had over 1,000 vendors there trying to sell their expensive products and services. I had a joyous time stealing all sorts of novelty items such as pens, rulers, tape measures, and even little cubes with roach-clip type things attached (these seemed usefull for displaying pictures of beloved humans).
The personal experience: Well, I was offered about 4 jobs and asked to join a few labs as a graduate student (trying to steal me away i guess). I also WON 1st PLACE in the poster presentation competition. I did not recieve a prize (just a guy taking over 30 pictures of me in various positions and a wonderful certificate) but I am told this is a rather prestigious award due to the fact that I was not only competing with students but also industry workers, governemnt projects and other high ranked broo-ha-ha.
Home: I arrived home at nearly 2:00 AM last night and was forced out of bed this morning at 6:00AM to bring my poor little puppy MASON to the vet. His gums are in bad shape and one of his front teeth is loose. I clean his teeth as often as I can but poodles just suck when it comes to dental hygeine. The darn cleaning and vet visit will cost over $300 which means ramen noodles and water for a couple of weeks... But he is worth it. I love that little guy!
So here I am.... back from all the ringamarole and ready to spend the entire weekend catching up on all the school work and homework grading I missed this week.
Till next time.... |
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| preparing for Dallas |
[Oct. 21st, 2006|10:51 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  productive | ] |
Well... I am less than 24 hours away from the most western journey I have taken in my life. To join countless water quality geeks in the celebration of scientific advancement and to spy the glamour of 21st century professional-geek apparel. It will be quite the experience i trust. I have never been the largest fan of flying, but I am sure it should be quite safe. I have purchased luggage for the first time in 27 years and now own all sorts of geeked out "dressy" clothes in order to impress the geek-guru's of my field.
Why do i go? you may ask. To present this:
an oversized advertisement (36"x54") for research i did over a 7 day period of time this past Summer. I have been informed that i will no longer work on this project and I am therefore of slight confusion over my participation in such events. But it is a vacation and I will be a few states closer to the utterly glorious Rocky Mountains.....! Well, off to purchase items to bathe and refresh. Items that are so small they can fit in a 1 quart ziplock bag, for that is all the room i am given... I would check my bag but it has been deemed a "waste of valuable time and a potential nightmare" by my superior. So i will play good little boy and excavate the supermarket for minature amenities. Thank you and farewell! |
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| a little bit of... |
[Oct. 17th, 2006|10:36 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | ENB 1000 | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | busy | ] |
So has begun a week of exhaustion and unending responsibilities. I need to formulate a poster presentation for the national WEFTEC conference (so far the data I have is not up to my expectations). The positive side to that comes on Sunday when I arrive in Dallas, TX. That will officially be the furthest West I have ever been in my life. I also have back to back midterms tomorrow. When I say back to back I mean it. First midterm is from 12:30 to 1:50 and the next is from 1:50 to 3:30. These are important tests too. At the graduate level about 80% of your grade come from two tests, the midterm and the final.
I continue to look forward to my upcomming trip to NY this Christmas. I am excited to see snow again as well as wear 5 shirts, sweatpants under my jeans, and 3 heavy blankets at night... mmm snuggly. I will also get the chance to smell good ole artificial heat from gas furnaces..! sweet.!
My wardrobe has taken a major turn as of late. Since the begining of this semester I have been investing in more professional attire. And just recently had a suit tailored for me. The motivation was the conference but I am glad to have these wardrobe options now. The sad part: All of my old T-shirts I love so much are beging to rot before mine eyes. My evil dead shirt, the JNCO shirt I have had since my move to florida, and my Deftones shirt are among these casualties. They are slowly being retired one by one to a box that one day will be opened and memories of all the wonderful times and people those times were shared with will fill my mind.
Something on my mind as of late: Do I need a PhD? It is so difficult to know that I could be making uber loot right now but instead I have financially retarded myself to pursue the highest academic degree. I see the benefits to doing this, but is this something I should do. Such a difficult question to answer. I would love to be a professor, but I am not sure I want to fight tooth and nail for Funding nor play the political game. In all honesty, I am worn and tired by the thought of playing games. Some people are made for such manipulations. I, on the other hand, prefer to take the direct route. Anyways, enough of my ramblings... It would not be a SaM post if there were not words that rhymed... So here is my offering to those who delight in playful words of thought and life:
The warmth of sun slowly tickles the interest of a lazy day made anew,
perfection has flaws that make it perfect and unique,
as colors have shade and shadow to define their shape,
The thoughts of vigourous life whisper upon the ears of nature's bloom
As time will tell, the fields of flowering innocence will return.
to remind those of weak or hardened hearts, who they once were.
The day will shimmer and the night's cold comfort will embrace,
the earthly children and their cheerful ways. |
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| Life and all that is the beating heart |
[Oct. 5th, 2006|09:42 am] |
Life has been of decent stature lately. By next week I will be second author on my first paper and within the next two weeks I will be second author on yet another paper. I have decided to wait before writing the paper about my research in which I will be first author. I am thinking in this fashion to ensure that my data is pristine and my topic is fully disseminated.
On other fronts, I have realized that individuals with whom I have have enjoyed wonderful experiences with maintain the capacity to be cold, resentful and otherwise heartless. I have, in the past, had some sort of addiction to my past. I found comfort in maintaining close ties with those whom have moved away from my life in either a direct or indirect manner. I felt that time spent building a friendship or relationship should not be negated by a change of heart or a bitter spat. But, as time goes on, I am beginning to realize exactly why people tear apart their pasts and throw them to the fire.
My conclusion is as follows:
It is nearly impossible to show any emotion outside of hatred, jealousy, or resentment when the individual with whom you try to care for in some higher emotional way does not respond or does so with a halfhearted approach. Since indifference or reproach is the dominate fashion by which humans deal with a friend or lover which has either moved away, moved on, or carefully and kindly separated, if one of the individuals who remains in a state of caring, love and general concern even after the "fallout" it is improbable that the other individual involved in the situation will share the same general care and concern. As a result, the individual who still cares receives little if nothing to motivate him/her to continue to show signs of general concern and care. As this continues the caring individual turns to resentment and hatred as the only options to relinquish the stagnation of his/her situation.
As you can see, it is easier (i suppose) to just burn the past away in a present sense. And utilize those memories as some sort of forgotten life in which there were people, events and emotions. But most importantly to maintain a separation between the past and any moment in the present or future.
I have found it impossible to do this, and I envy those which have the will to separate these things. For me, I continue to find those moments of the past mingling in my considerations for the future. Maybe i am naive, maybe hopeless. I prefer to see myself as compassionate and caring.... At least let me have my delusions.
In other news, we have a new lab-mate... Andrea. She is a pretty slick chick and we get along amazingly (most of the time :) ). We are amazingly efficient in the lab as we work together. I hope this becomes a blessing of sorts for it is hard to find a good lab-mate that keeps the same rhythm as I. I have also been weightlifting 4 times a week for almost 2 hours a day. It was damn painful the first week but now I am in the rhythm. Usually about 1.5 hours of hardcore weight lifting (no pansy machines... those damn things don't do dick, I know that now...!!!!) and 20-30 minutes of cardio. I am also eating mostly fruits and veggies for breakfast and lunch, with a high protein (fish or chicken) dinner. No more beer save occasions when i am dragged out to a happy hour. Even in these situations, I am driving so my consumption is limited.
Well, even though I have 60 minutes of watching over this computer lab left, I will leave on this that note. I normally do not write directly about my life, but I plan to more often ( in all honesty it will still not be too often). Hell, I doubt more than 6 people or so even read this anymore, if I am lucky. I suppose for the most part I write these things for myself.
Oh yeah, and I am currently writing a novel... !!!!!! |
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| Enigmatic Garden |
[Sep. 12th, 2006|10:21 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | ENC 1000 | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  calm | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The subtle chatter of keyboards in the background | ] |
Entangled within her soft organic grasp,
Whispered to sleep by her enchanting aroma,
Fallen prey to her deadly intoxication,
imprisoned by her floral beauty,
Comforted by her delicate blossoms,
satisfied by the fruits of her enigma.
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| The Devil is in the Details... |
[Aug. 27th, 2006|05:36 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  numb | ] |
Hidden within the deepest definitions of humanity lies the existence of subtle confusions and unexplainable emotions. The person who deeply yearns for organized experiences given life under the truest of intentions may find itself unacceptable by the harsh and changing tides of the human condition. Stagnation is often confused with comfort and rejuvenation and perfection is often confused with heartless actions. Appreciation is most often given when benefit is seen in a selfish light. The most unfortunate observation I have made, is that people are selfish and often throw away the things in their life that bring them frustration. I find this interesting because it is only in recent times that individuals have had the pleasure of being so fickle. Until recently individuals had to work for exotic pleasures such as love, friendship, satisfaction, and accomplishment. Having a single opportunity in life to attain one of these pleasures was a blessing and the fruit of these circumstances could only be realized with hard work and sacrifice. Today the numerous options society provides a human with, has reduced the respect for perseverance and hard work. It has made the human intellect waiver with ideas of immortality and the uncatered perfection of love and relation. Most often i envision myself in a much different place. Where the words I love you embrace the meaning that love is not for this instant, rather an unending goal that shapes and molds someone's life to the point of eternal sacrifice and diligence. This is most defintaly not understood in a majority of the world's inhabitants. Love stretches from unending friendships to commitments made to the earth to the undying commitment, compassion and understanding required of the most formidable and intimate forms of love.
Today i see fickle, fickle little humans run around from instance to instance waiting for perfection to fall into their lap. No one seems to find satisfaction in fighting for their desires, not for a series of moments.. but forever... This word has no meaning today, and in that realization i am forced into eternal sadness. Maybe we are just animals, searching for survival and personal satisfaction at whatever cost. I doubt anyone will actually read this far, but if you have.... know that i love each and every one of you, and I can only hope that you find the true meaning of life's offerings in the tenure of your existence. I am sure I know nothing in this perspective, but I will NEVER cease my attempts...
Self Underestimated Incident Created Inside Desperate Existences |
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| a peek at my recent work |
[Aug. 26th, 2006|08:29 pm] |
here is a diagram I made in photoshop of a device my research group is developing. What do you think of the diagram.. It is my first 3-d drawing in photoshop,,
 |
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| stories will unfold |
[Aug. 22nd, 2006|11:14 pm] |
Tell me what ya think... a quick unlayered acoustic emotion spilling moment of prose....
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| Do you see what I see |
[Aug. 21st, 2006|09:55 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | calm | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Counting Crows | ] |
the quite evening breathes peacefully down my neck
small reminders of the beauty snuggled deep in life's amazing messages remain hidden to the desperate and twisted mind
only one with a calm desire and a noble heart is permitted to see these revealing morsels of nature's good plan.
once revealed a myriad of stories unfold.
To each subtle clue life uncovers a swelling anticipation begins to form.
The next evidence of circumstantial coincidence peers slightly through the fabric of life's overwhelming activities.
Another piece of the puzzle, something that introduces yet more colors of the rainbow to this intricate puzzle of possibilities.
Interpretation of such events reveals the true nature of the audience's heart.
These hints to the fascination of life's gifts and unending rejuvenation are not to be taken lightly,
rather they are to be embellished and remembered as moments of spiritual purity.
If you see in a days odd and rather unusual events what I see..
You may catch a glimpse,
Of the true meaning of existence. |
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| i am organic again |
[Aug. 16th, 2006|09:26 pm] |
a quit work in progress spurt of semi elusive emotion spilling out of fabricated cardboard cones with a pulse.
Tell me what ya think, it has a LONG way to go. |
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| forgive and gave up, forget and forgot |
[Aug. 7th, 2006|11:09 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | The Station | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sleepy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Cure - Disintegration | ] |
Will the impossible moments of memories I have you drawn within,
disappear so i can retain some sort of life again
can I mumble and to myself forget,
how this empty hole is not my fault, i only fell upon it
In my daze of rewinding days in countless ways to see the things
I could not then see.
The sadness swells my eyes and I realize how little I can stand the lies of love and soul stealing thieves.
erase these things and now this will become undone..
I can not lose the one i was before this stagnate run |
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| then there was four... |
[Jul. 2nd, 2006|01:10 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  exhausted | ] |
From the first I learned to love,
never to over judge,
From the next I learned to focus,
and stay clear from jokers,
The third I learned to figit,
and never take life for granted,
The forth I learned to grow weary,
and try to compensate |
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| Revived....! |
[Jun. 22nd, 2006|12:09 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | artistic | ] |
my new take on life...! |
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| to remain asleep... |
[Jun. 16th, 2006|11:08 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | numb | ] |
It appears and overwhelms in waves of realization,
life and meaning have eluded me even in the finest hour of understanding.
I exist here amidst a collection of plastic and well organized fibers,
material possessions that admit to my life's adventures and dreams.
Not one of these items that stare at me through the night and greet me upon arrival,
are impervious to the fire of life and the inevitable disintegration so peacefully offered by time.
The fact that these are among the few things that I can manage to keep constant in my life is rather a disappointment.
I have moments of dream...
Living in moments where the sweetness of a tender touch and the satisfaction of purity and simplistic calmness command my existence.
dancing in a place where deep infatuation reign,
and loneliness is a concept only told by the shivering tales of the heart broken poet.
But in a sudden shutter I awake from my most desirable dream,
Only to be reminded by my inanimate friends,
I have yet another day to wait... |
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| Rip these thoughts from me... |
[Jun. 11th, 2006|03:06 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  frustrated | ] |
As I am an idiot.. this is how I'm seen
oblivious and desperate, cold and unforgiving.
For a moments paused injection of truth and severity,
I fall back.. into the time when I felt this day arriving.
A shivering frustration is the definition of my prose
Complicated by feelings and secrets closed.
Why can ignorance not fall fast upon my mind?
Why cannot truth truly hide?
Why do I suffer by the hand of intuition?
Why can I not leave these behind, and pretend I was dreaming?
Such abstract conditions do not hold silence,
There is always something that shines slightly brighter.
And in these cryptic, yet plainly true feelings
Someone may find, the true meaning of my bleeding. |
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| Little Space |
[May. 31st, 2006|12:14 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | sad | ] |
As the memory of a distant day
is slowly replaced and forgotten
there is a scream
that screams so loud
the pain of the forgotten feelings
In this time the deed is done
and so there is nothing..
just a blank, empty space that once was us
vacant and without meaning...
Is this true,
must this be,
can we so easily be erased?
How can I,
bleed enough,
to save our little space? |
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| Craptacular |
[May. 20th, 2006|08:38 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sick | ] |
I am supposed to be livin it up in the Keys right now, but instead I am drinking hot tea bundled up in three shirts, a sweater, sweat pants, and a blanket. I feel like death warmed over and I am pretty sure my roommate (who was supposed to come with) is slightly irritated and disappointed. To top it all off I am having one of those, what will ever become of me ,moments. There is someone in my life that I miss dearly but I am helpless to break the wall between us. I actually thought I found that perfect moment that lasts for the rest of this challenging existence. But again I am left to wonder if there is any reason at all that I move through these days waiting to go bankrupt or grow old with no family. I just pray that I have a place to live in the next couple of months. It is so odd that all the despair comes at once.
But on the bright side of things I am working towards a PhD and my two dearest friends were able to make it to Tampa to see my graduation.
I miss my youth. I was such an idiot at times. I guess that is the problem with life. You are able to live and learn from your mistakes. But in some respects that is not helpful if you do not get a second chane at life. Then there is the fact that all of the experiences that make me who I am are a result of those mistakes, and I do not want to change who I am. I would assume if I would change who I am I would just make more mistakes that I would not like and I would never learn anything anyway. In short I am tired.... So Very Tired. There is not enough sleep in some days to satisfy my desire to "get away". My dreams present the type of atmosphere that feels like living. But far to often I am torn from those precious moments only to realize that the next days monotony is upon me and I get to face it with the prospect of being forever alone in heart.
I know this is far unlike me to actually write my feelings to this digital domain of highschool secrets and public scrutinym but I felt so moved to do so. Maybe its the bug that has possessed my body, which by the way better gather its stuff up cuz it will be kicked out soon (I hope). |
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prozacsmile's journal
